Tej Kohli’s joke on how to handle a telemarketer:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .” When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter and Siegel services….
You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Judy, how have you
BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends . . . would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.”
You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Yeah! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)

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The ten ifs of employment by Tej Kohli -

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
8. if it’s typed, copy it.
9. If it’s copied, file it.
10. If it’s Friday, forget it!

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Here’s How:

10. You like not doing anything
9. You have no trouble telling others what to do
8. Work fascinates you – you can sit and watch it for hours
7. You like ‘sweating the small stuff’
6. You have always been something of a loner
5. You don’t think ‘plan’ is a four-letter word
4. Your favorite cocktail is milk of magnesia
3. On Halloween you dress up as Alex P. Keaton
2. Your favorite horror writer is Tom Peters
1. And the number one clue you are management material – You enjoy having people despise you just for doing your job.

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 1. Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10  minutes to inquire how it’s going.  That helps.

 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me  a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the  priority.  Let me guess.

 6. Do your best to keep me late.  I like the office and really have  nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  Leaks like that could  cost me a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be  popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’